1st Round Playoff Predictions . .Stick Ball

So the playoff picture is set, it took until early Tuesday morning on the east coast to find out who the 8th and final spot belonged to. The Colorado Rockies won in the 13th frame behind National League MVP Matt Holliday's fantastic game, and botched call at home plate, but watch the clip, you can be the judge. Here's my thought on the call, I hate instant replay, I don't think the Patriots belonged in the Super Bowl in 2001, and the Rockies won 14 of their last 15 outings, they deserve it, when it came time to decide which team wanted it more, they buckled down and won the games they had to, game, set, match. To the Postseason:

Colorado v. Philadelphia: My question of the series is, can the Rockies stay this hot? Both teams are going into the playoffs trailblazing, they both absolutely destroyed the month of September. I already mentioned the amazing month that Colorado had, but the fighting Phils, they really did fight to get into the playoffs by winning the National League East on the very last day of the season. I know I know, the New York Mets all but pulled a britney spears like fall from grace, but the Phillies finished the season 19-11 in the month of September, and if they hadn't won the East, they would have had a good enough record to get in that one game playoff, and the way Jimmy Rollins has carried that team, forgettaboutit. The Phillys sparkplug is only the fourth player in the history of the Majors to finish a season in the 20-20-20-20 club, thats 20 doubles, homers, triples, and steals, if I didn't slightly have a man crush on Matt Holliday, this guy would be my MVP. Since I just mentioned him, Matt Holliday, the guy no one even knew who he was two years ago on the American World Baseball Classic Team, (I don't blame you, no one besides me and Theo Epstein even watched the god damn thing, but i digress) The Rockies cornerstone (queer pun, i'm sorry) had a season for the ages, not only did he carry his team into the playoffs, but he finished the regular season with 50 doubles, 36 homers, 137 rbi's, and oh yea, he hit .340. My MVP, don't talk to me about him playing in Coors Field because Jimmy Rollins plays at a little league park, just ask Ryan Howard and his 50+ homer season last year. Here's the thing, The Phillies offense has been playing out of this world, from Jimmy Rollins to Ryan Howard and Chase Utley, this team is playing really well, but their pitching staff is why I like the Phillies. Cole Hamels and Kyle Kendrick combined for 25 wins, they have an era's under 3.90 which is more than I can say for any starter on the Rocks, and their bullpen has been playing very well, just look at the ERA of Red Sox garbage man J.C. Romero (1.24) apprently he's followed the Todd Jones theory, once you leave the bean half way through a season, you dominate for the remainder. The city will be rocking, they are the most tortured city around, Phillies in 4

New York v. Cleveland: Because of pure laziness, I won't go back ten lines and retract the statement about Matt Holliday having a season for the ages, because Alex Rodriguez seriously just had a season for the ages (sorry I just puked in my mouth) 51 homers, .314 average, 156 RBI's, and 24 stolen bases . . . be right back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .sorry I just threw up , I hate Alex Rodriguez, seriously. No votes neccesary, he's the MVP, and I'm just a banker with a bad hobby of blogging. I hate the Yankees pitching staff, I wouldn't be scared about the Rocket in the Playoffs, nor am I scared of Mike Mussina, I never knew that day would come, but they do have one of the best pitchers in the American League this year Yao Ming's little brother has an era of 3.70 and the guy with the as* for a chin is post season money (Andy Pettitte.) Ming Jr. has a record of 19-7, so he's their ace and pretty much scares me every time he pitches against the Red Sox. Do we have to talk about their offense? The "Captain" is an opponents post season nightmare, you and I both know it. Matsui, A-Fraud, and Abreau all had over 100 RBI'S , leading the American Leagues most powerful lineup. They obviously have Danny Almote's ageless cousin, Mariano Rivera, and the incredible guy who would have gotten his ass kicked by Kevin Youkilis if they just let baseball players physically brawl for a half hour, Joba Chamberlin. The phenom has pitched in just 19 games and 24 innings while hosting a 0.38 ERA with 1 earned run allowed and OH YEA 34 strikeouts. I have to move onto the Indians before I need my stomach pumped from talking about the yanks for the last five minutes, I think i've swallowed my own vomit (third puke reference) in the last twenty minutes of research. I don't buy the Indians in this series, I know the great genious Peter Gammons, and my favorite baseball writer Buster Olney selected the Indians (this years detroit tigers) to win the series, but I just don't see it happening. Heres what we know, Fausto Carmona and C.C. Sabathia are the best one-two punch going into this thing, they have era's under 3.25 and both have racked up 19 wins a piece, they've been nothing short of brilliant. To top it all off, they have home field advantage as the American League Central Champions, and they are playing a short series, with those two going at home in games 1 & 2, some expect they go to the bronx up 2-0 looking to split the next two and move on. I'm even go to confess I think that Sabathia and not my favorite pitcher not named Jon Papelbon, Josh Beckett, will win the Cy Young, and he deserves it, Nuff Said. I even love the young core talent with Sizemore, Hafner, and Victor Martinez, they also have my favorite dirt dog of all-time Trot Nixon (not that he matters, they just have him that's all) With all that said, I just don't buy it. 0-6 against the Yankees this year, losing 49-17 in the runs column. Tell me all the statistics you want to, tell me that Rivera isn't Rivera any more, tell me The Indians are the team to beat, but here's the thing you have to realize when you read this prediction, I'm from Massachusetts, which means I live in the heart of Red Sox Country (I agree roche, I won't acknowledge Red Sox N**ion) and I live in constant fear of the Pinstripes, I refused to celebrate one minute earlier friday night, So I'm from New England, which means, Yanks in 5. I puked again, give me a minute.

. . . . . Alright, I'm back.

Chicago v. Arizona: Did you really think I wasn't saving the Red Sox series for last? So you think that I might have sympathy for Cubs fans being a die hard Sox fan? WRONG . . .I actually don't HATE the cubs, but I do root for them to lose just to see Michael Wilbon suffer after ripping the City of Boston all through the NBA off season. Speaking of Suffer? trying being the kid whose on this poster . . . . hahahahaha I just blogged Bartman, I'm going to stray from the topic for a second right here, but Michael Vick is still praised in Atlanta, but this guy can't sit on a bus within a 500 mile radius of the state of Illinois, love it. This team can't get enough of
curses, not only do they have to go through years of misery, but they have to watch cross town rivals win the World Series, just after the Red Sox won the world series, they are by themself now, how's that feel? What do I want to happen? I want them to get as close as possible to winning the World Series and then lose, I'd rather see that happen than see Alex Rodriguez fail a drug test, that's saying something. Good Luck Wilbon. Now to legitimate talk, the Cubs won the National League Central, after they went out and paid out the nose for Soriano, and decided that Lou Pinella was the best coach available, I haven't determined If I like Sweet Lou just yet, but i'm leaning toward hes just a crazy A-hole. Aramis Ramirez, Derek Lee and Alfonso Soriano leading a pretty productive offensive attack down to Arizona. All year long when they play there it's like a homegame for them, and I don't know if it'll be any different, in the playoffs, the Red Sox play home games in Tampa all year, and I think if they were in the Playoffs, you'd see the same type of thing. IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED A TREND, I compare things to the Red Sox, and I think pitching wins championships (except when it comes to the Yankees, because once again I'm from New England, and I get scared). Carlos Zambrano is as crazy as Lindsay Lohan, I mean like bat shit crazy, he actually fist fought a teammate in the dug out, and I would fear my life getting into the batters box against him, but he's dirty, when he's on, he's on, when he's off, hes Charlie Sheen in a strip club wild. The staff contains Rich Hill, team leader in strikeouts and a good era of 3.92, and besides Z, they have Ted Lilly, who I think can be the catalyst for this team, especially in a short series, leading the team in ERA. Arizona is that team that really has gotten here on the back of Cy Young Winner, Brandon Webb, and National League leader in saves Jose Valverde. The offensive numbers for this team aren't real impressive, they aren't even in the top five in batting average, runs, obp, or slugging percentage. I don't think you can win with one top pitcher, even if he is an ace. Chicago lost the season series 4-2 . . .1 of those Wins was against Webb, and Zambrano didn't take any losses in the season series. The way Hill and Lilly have pitched as of late, and how jacked up the Cubs will be ready to make a deep postseason run, I fully expect them move on to the NLCS . . . .Cubs in 4

Boston v. Los Angeles-Anaheim: Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines, I was worried about the Yankees catching them to take the East title, right from our grasps, but they held the Yanks off and now I've backed off the ledge and decided they are my FAVORITE to win the . . . . yea like I'm going to jinx it. So who will the sox be leaning on to help that reach the promise land or at least beat the Angels in the first round? Hopefully this guy has had enough time since Friday to errrrr recover? small side bar: There looks to be alot of people in the picture, but i'm referring to the best closer in baseball with the bud light box with eyeholes cut out over his head spraying beer on his teammates friday night. I mean, seriously have you seen a team party like the Red Sox partied friday night? Featuring a team who sat around for three hours waiting for the Yankees to lose a thriller against Baltimore, their young stud closer wore a box on his head with nothing but a pair of goggles, and black tights . . . . .Kevin Youkilis and half of the team performing the "running man" and oh wait that closer I referred to, did an Irish Jig. seriously? BACK TO THE PREDICTION: Boston has set up the rotation and it sets up to see Josh Beckett dominate on the playoff opener, he's pitching against John Lackey who has had about as much success as you did staying dry friday night at the fens. I do really like this Red Sox team, and I like them for more reasons than because I'm from New England, They have a playoff veteran and gamer Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett who will be the CY YOUNG runner up and leads the major leagues as the only 20 game winner. Dustin Pedroia their rookie phenom second basemen has been nothing short (no pun intended) of nasty, including electric bench player Jacobi Elsbury. This team has mixed young new talent with savvy veterans like Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, and the afformentioned Curt Schilling. I'm keeping this short because in a short series, at Fenway Park of all places, The Red Sox pitching staff will come out and flex their muscles, one of the best bullpens in baseball along with one of the best rotations. I won't even start discussing how soft I think the Angels are . . . . . . . . . . Red Sox in 3


In the words of The Sportsguys friend Johnny . . . . I really don't know If i can handle a Joe Buck, Tim McCarver "Armageddon" like announcing of the ALCS between the Yanks and Sox . . .. then again this will piss of Mike Wilbon, SO GOOD!

Michael Vick v. The Juice (Not Steroids)

So the last two weeks gave us some of the dumbest moves ever made by former professional athletes. First, we get the breaking news that O.J. Simpson has been arrested on kidnapping charges, like we didn't see that one coming at some point. Secondly, Michael Vick fails a drug test just weeks after telling us he found God, HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN SENTENCED YET!!!!!!! So which one of the fallen heroes makes more dumbass moves than the other? Tough question huh? EXACTLY my point, which is why the only way to solve it is (were not having an ESPN town hall meeting on this, hosted by creepiest man on the planet Bob Lee) BLOG IT.

O.J. Simpson - I mean to be frank half of America forgets that he even played football. If you said his name 20 years ago these would have been the things that come to mind, Isotoners, Heisman Trophy, and one of the all time greatest backs ever. Fast Forward 20 years, white bronco, isotoners covered in blood, and "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit."

NFL Regulation Football $20.00

Black Sharpie felt tip marker $2.95

Kidnapping for memorabilia you can't profit on . . .

PRICELESS

(Mastercard turned this down, they woudln't even return my calls)

I mean, you know when your a little kid and your parents do something really embarrasing that you just want to cringe and bury your head in the sand. Try being OJ's kids . . . he gets off the case from KILLING THEIR MOTHER, and continues to do stupid thing after stupid thing, not only does he do everything but ADMIT he got away with murder, then he goes writes a book about it, for proceeds that he won't even get. After having a crew (whose dumb enough to hang out with O.J. and be part of that posse, HE'S BROKE) he goes into a hotel room, THAT OBVIOUSLY HAS SECURITY CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES, IT'S A CASINO HOTEL!!!!!!!! and then threatens people to get memorabilia off of, that HE CAN'T EVEN PROFIT FROM. People, this is absolute idiocy, to the tenth degree . . . I just want to make it completely clear, memorabilia, can't you go buy some footballs, usc jerseys, bills apparal, and sign them, won't that make it memorabilia. So go do that, rather than threaten to shoot up a hotel room to get shit back from you that you don't need because the money would go straight to the Goldmans, remember the family of the guy you killed. This is why he is O.J. Simpson, and this is why he is a complete and udder donkey.

Michael Vick . . . I actually once uddered the phrase "best quarterback in the game" it is clear to me I did that out of spite for the New England Patriots, and that hick Peyton Manning. A buddy of mine also determined that anytime Michael Vick is in the news, it's a must blog, because who doesn't love a good "I just found God" comment. Next time I get pulled over for speeding, I'm going to tell the cop "I'm going to find God after I get this ticket, you probably should just give me a pass on this one ok?" that always works right? I have some major issues with Michael Vick supporters, I mean like issues as big as Gay marriage to Rosie O'Donnell, type issues, so forgive me for the incoherant rant that is about to take place. . . . ahsfahadghdhfhdfhadf here goes:

1. You all need to get your heads out of your asses . . . . . it is easy for someone to apologize for something after they've gotten caught, you have no other choice i.e. when a guy gets caught cheating, he says "yea, that b*tch was dope though" NOOOOO he says "i'm so sorry, i'll never do it again" we only apologize if we get caught. So when Michael Vick said "I apologize to everyone I have let down, and the children, my fans . . . . ." and on and on and on, then what happens? He tests posistive on a drug test, hahahahahaha CALLED THAT ONE. I'm not saying I wouldn't smoke, drink, gamble, dog fight err scratch that last one, If i knew I was going to jail, but I certaintly wouldn't if I had a Judge who hadn't determined my sentence, and an outside shot at returning to the NFL and making millions of dollars and turning my life around. But thats why I'm not awaiting a sentence in a Federal Pen, and Michael Vick is staring down the barrel of 2 to 5 years in jail.

2. I hate to mention it, because after watching it I almost threw up in my mouth, ESPN had a town hall style meeting on the "VICK DIVIDE" people who are standing up for him becaue of race, and think that the world is just "against" Mike Vick, and people who have half a brain and no he belongs locked up for doing the crime. People much smarter than me spent years developing laws, and why they are laws, so when ESPN poses the question " do you think dog fighting should be illegal?" they are just being moronic in my opinion, because Mike Vick wasn't just fighting dogs, he was murdering them, burying them, gambling on them, not paying taxes on the winnings, and OH YEA he ran a god damn ring across the southern states, THATS AGAINST THE LAW, PERIOD. He is a criminal, I don't care if he is black, white, yellow, purple, or green . . . you don't see me sticking up for Jose Canseco because he took steriods, he's an idiot too, took an illegal drug, should probably be in jail.

So who's the bigger moron? The man who apologized to the world, and said he would make everyone proud and turn his life around, then subsequently got stoned out of his mind and failed a drug test? or Is it the guy who got off a double murder then tried shooting up a Vegas hotel room to get back memorabilia that he could just re-create?

Mike Vick . . . . .He is an embarrassment to his mother, Arthur Blank, every child and adult with a Michael Vick Jersey, Virginia Tech, The City of Atlanta, and most importantly Himself.

The 1998 Houston Rockets ? ? ?

My worst fear in the world is that the 07'-08' Boston Celtics suffer the same fate as the 98'-99' Houston Rockets, or that I pull an Oscar De La Hoya like fate and end up in a Las Vegas hotel room dressed up in fishnets with five to seven exotic strippers . . . .which could happen, but I digress. If you recall, the city once known as Clutch City, decided to comprise a team which could knock off the Western Conference and put them back to the top of the mountain. They drafted everyones favorite March Madness star, Bryce Drew (see kids who played for their father in college.com) Arizona Stud, Michael Dickerson, and URI standout not named Lamar Odom, Cuttino Mobley in the second round. But to surround Sir Charles & Hakeem Olajuwon, they also signed 50 greatest player, Scottie Pippen, who had clearly begun the down slope of his career, but was still more than serviceable. Pippen, Sir Charles, and The Dream . . . .three of the games top superstars all on the same floor, they couldn't lose right? Well, they finished that year six games out of first place, in the 3rd slot, then subsequently got smashed like me on a friday night, in the first round 3 games to 1 by the Lakers . . . Title Run, OVER. With that said . . .

I've never been more excited for the start of the NBA season as I am this year, after finally making a conscious decision to surround Paul Pierce with someone other than the McDonald's High School All-American team, i'm finally "into it." Now I won't give all the credit to Danny Ainge for making that decision, if he had won one of the top two NBA lottery picks you'd see a completely different team, but we'll give him some credit for what he's done since that. Not only has he promptly decided that the Celts had no other choice but to do this or suffer the same crappy half-ass seasons we'd come accustomed to, but he did what the Lakers, Suns, & everyone with a brain couldn't do, land THE BIG TICKET. Essentially selecting veteran sharp shooter, and former UCONN star, Ray Allen, by trading their draft pick for someone who'd actually make a difference this year, and not end up in the NBADL (or as I like to call it, the holy shit I made a mistake drafting him league) the Celts began to develop that team that Paul Pierce had wet dreams about for the last three months. But after much rumour about Kobe wanting a trade, and the Suns thinking they were going to get better than having Amare, and 500 trade stories about the Celtics trading everyone and your mom for Garnett, it happened. The Big Ticket put aside that he thinks everyone who lives within a mile of the Fleet is an evil racist, and decided to finally put the Celts back on the national stage. Then I proceeded to dial up everyone I know and subsequently pass out from excitement (and you should have seen my buddy dan, i think he wet himself, no seriously.)

So I've calmed down two months later, I've laughed at Portland fans, because in the immortal words of John Malkovich in Rounders "all your dreams, down zee fackin drain." Then I stopped laughing, because if Garnett gets injured, or Paul Pierce gets stabbed again I'm going to go on a ten state killing spree (sorry this is the year 2007 I can't joke about that) then I laughed at the Lakers still trying to trade Lamar Odom (second Odom refernce) to anyone for a bag of balls. Side Note: do you think GM's just laugh when the Lakers show up on their speed dial? What are you going to trade? FOR REAL? But that was us till we remembered Kevin McHale would trade anything, he just likes being in a trade, I feel about Kevin McHale the same way I feel about T.O. outside of playing the actual sport, I don't want to hear from him.

I will say this though, the team that now wears green in Boston, I truly want to bring home a title, more than any team, in any sport, do I want to see the Celtics win a championship. My football team has won in my lifetime, 3 times (thats the Cowboys, not the Video Cameras (NE Patriots), my baseball team, yes my baseball team The Boston Red Sox has won a championship in my lifetime, and well so have the Celtics but I was too young ( don't have a hockey team, because no one outside of Canada cares about hockey) So I need the Celtics to win a championship, more than I need to make at least 5 to 7 more jokes about Michael Vick, Dog Fighting, and The Rock making another football movie. (Any way Vick can get in his next prison style football movie? it'd fit the bill thas for sure right?)

By all accounts though, in complete seriousness, this team should whipe the floor with the Eastern Conference this year . . . . Then the finals, and anything can happen, my bet is for Steve Nash to break an ankle, Tim Duncan to be suspended for steroid use, and Tim Donaghy to be reffing the finals (while i'm paying him off) . . . GO CELTS!

Are you prepared for Brian Griese?

This guy, for that guy . .really?

So your an embrassed Chicago Bears fan, it's not nearly as embarrassing as being an Oscar De La Hoya fan right now, at least Rexy isn't dressing up in fishnets right? But you started chanting "Griese, Griese, Griese" during your second half Tony Romo ass kicking sunday night, in front of the entire country, so you got it. I mean, I understand your pain, 1 touchdown, 6 interceptions, 500 yards passing, and a QB Rating of 45.2, Grossman is playing awful, I mean like his play is as bad as you can get. I would also like to remind you Bears fans, before it gets worse, the Cubs are going to be playing in October, Ozzie Guillen is back with an extension, and you traded your best running back(Thomas Jones) to the New York Jets for a couple sideline cameras and a bag of chips, just so you know .

So this 10-year veteran, three-team castoff, and one time pro-bowler is getting handed the keys to the best defense in the league. Yes Ravens and Patriot fans, The Bears have the best defense in the league. I'm not going to dig on Griese to much because after watching the Bears second half collapse on Sunday night, now they don't even believe themselves when they struggle to say "we have rex's back." He's done in Chicago, completely done, even if Griese were to get injured, every soldier field faithful would rather see Kyle Orton than Rex Grossman. If Brian Griese gets through the entire game with no interceptions, I think he gets a standing ovation, right before Rexy starts to cry. This was intended to be a quick blog, just because I'm stunned this didn't happen earlier, he was one of the top 3 reasons they lost in the SUPER BOWL, right after Devin Hester took all the momentum from Indy by running back that kick off, that would make me question wether or not he was "the guy." Sometimes we have a tendency to make statements like "well the guy did get them to the Super Bowl" . . . no he DIDN'T, Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, and the nastiest defense in pro football got them to the Super Bowl. I want to finish with this, Rex Grossman isn't Trent Dilfer of the 2000' Ravens, Dilfer managed the game efficiently and without throwing Interceptions, he also had Jamal Lewis to hand the ball off to, that franchise made a conscious decision to improve themself after Dilfer by selecting Kyle Boller in the coming years, they released Dilfer, BUT HE WON THEM A SUPER BOWL, Rexy hasn't won anything. Grossman isn't the only one to blame here though, he didn't trade Thomas Jones, all he did was what we predicted he'd do. Join the ranks of Danny Wuerfel . . .over rated University of Florida System Quarterbacks.

USC or LSU . . .Whose the real # 1 ?

Averaging nearly 42 points a game and holding opponents to an average of less than 7 points a game, the bayou bengals are off to an explosive 4 - 0 start. Their So. Cal counterparts have opened up with a definitive 3 victories and do not seem to be letting up the number one spot, in all polls, any time soon. So after week four, who is the real #1 ?

LSU: The majority of spectators would say that your number one, until someone knocks you off, but because we won't see the two play each other at all, unless they reach the BCS National Championship, all we have to go by is what we see them do against their opponents. In the case of LSU, the tigers are coming off a victory against #12 South Carolina in which they held a Steve Spurrier offense to 16 points, 17 yards on the ground, and forced 3 turnovers. LSU shredded up #9 Virginia Tech in week 2 holding the hokies to only 7 points and putting 48 points up on the board against a defense which is considered a top 10 defense in the country. I'd say the resume is starting to be built pretty solid. The month of October will be especially challenging for the yellow & purple. A preview of the SEC championship is scheduled in Baton Rouge on the sixth, when the defending national champion Florida Gators come into town. UF quarterback Tim Tebow presents problems for opposing defenses, already this year he has 10 touchdowns and only 1 interception, oh yea he's rushed for over 350 yards this year already. A week later LSU gets quarterback and heisman hopeful Andre Woodson coming with Kentucky, a team who has shown they can play with the best beating Louisville & Arkansas in back-to-back weeks. The month gets no easier with a road game at Auburn. Final thoughts: with future NFL'ers, defensive end Tyson Jackson, and the SEC leader in interceptions (4) safety Craig Steltz, the LSU defense is nasty enough to shutdown top offenses and will prove that in the coming month. The tigers will continue their SEC dominance playing the majority of their tough games at home, where they have a definitive advantage.

So. Cal: To the men of Troy, led by heisman candidate John David Booty, USC is prepared to be the #1 team in the nation wire-to-wire and continue their dominance in the Pac-10. Southern Cal already answered the bell the two weeks ago in Lincoln against Nebraska blowing the Cornhuskers out of the water. USC will have to navigate their way through the Pac-10, going out of conferance on the road once to give the annual Notre Dame ass-kicking to the Irish in South Bend. A week later they travel to Oregon which will be a true test, the ducks can score touchdowns with the best of them, and will challenge the Trojans defense. JDB has thrown 9 touchdown passes to only 2 interceptions thus far, with a passer rating over 150 three games into the season, and has asserted himself into NEXT GREAT SC quarterback status (see Matt Leinart & Carlson Palmer) Pete Carroll has got the Trojans rolling right along, junior stud and all-american linebacker Keith Rivers is leading the team with 30 tackles and is a leading candidate for several defensive post-season awards. The Trojans are very fast defensively and can explode on offense, just ask Washington St. how difficult it was to stop the them this week. This program hands down has beeen the most dominating over the past six years in college football, there is one key factor that goes un-mentioned, in football at any level you need to know how to win games, win the momentum battle and close the door when other teams have that impact play, Pete Carroll's team knows how to do that and when push comes to shove they will step on your throat, start up the fight song.
Final Thought: Booty may not be the best quarterback in the country, but he certaintly is the best quarterback for this team, senior leadership is laced throughout this club. I like them to hold pat and then meet LSU in Nawlins come the end of January . . . . . .

Decision Time: LSU will basically be playing a home game in Nawlins if they get to the National Championship, so like a Rex Grossman key interception . . . LSU will for sure put the Trojans on their back.

I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR . . .

Inspired by the latest music video from Nickelback, Rockstar, where rather than having the typical "if i wasn't a musician, i'd still be a virgin" lead singer be all in the video, they select random celebrities and athletes, Wayne Gretzky, Kid Rock, and Grant Hill, just to name a few, to lip sync the lyrics to the song, it actually works in this case too. Well since I am neither a musician or a real athlete, I decided I'm going to come up with a completely assanine list of people who I would want to lip sync in my music video, dead or alive, that is currently un-named and un-written: TO THE LIST . . . .

The Wonderful Ladies of Hurricane Betty's - even if you don't know of this fine establishment, it is safe to say it isn't a family restaurant by the name. I figure this would earn me at least free lap dances for all my friends for life, because generally dancers are all only dancing to put themself through school, or until they make it in the acting or singing careers, neither of which actually happen when they realize they can just buy a car, get knocked up, and do more cocaine than Tony Montana, I'm not knocking it, because I'm not so sure if I was a female, that I wouldn't do it. SOME and I say some because it needs to be said, would give the music video a little more appeal than say me, others might drive away my fans, but I'm willing to take that risk, for the comedic value alone. (i'd add a picture of the logo, but i'm not looking it up on google while i'm at work) sorry.

MC Hammer - I'd have to ad a line into the song that said 2-Legit-2-Quit . .simply because that would be enough to incorporate the hammer. I admire this man for a multitude of reasons, first one being that he actually was the first concert I ever went to, I don't know if it was age appropriate because I was like 10 and but it was before that bumps and dump song or whatever the f that was. He is the least gangsta alive from Oakland, and no one in the history of the world is more famous for losing all his money to his entourage than Hammertime. Plus it'd be as random as me getting my own music video, so I'd have to offset that by adding MC Hammer.

(no 10 year old should be subject to those genie pants)

Darren Daulton - I've been fascinated on how steriods affected
this guys life, did he kill his family like some wrestlers? no . . did he go to jail after a fit of roid rage? no . . he's actually into predicting how the world is going to end, I read an article about him last year, and hows pretty f'n crazy . . so to have in a music video, dressed up as an actual spaceman or in a straight jacket would be equally hilarious, and I would love to torture Phillies fans because they suck at life, and so do their teams . . .I'm from titletown, so don't debate it. I think I could sell tickets and make people pay big bucks to come on set of this thing so far, strippers sorry i meant to say dancers, MC Hammer and someone to torture the Philly Fans . . this is clutch

Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael Vick, & Chris Henry what?!? these guys need work, Pacman is god damn wrestling, the offer is actually extended to any NFL Player who is currently suspsended and looking for work, the only requirment is that you have been arrested, or questioned more than once over the last five months on an assault, DUI, or strip club incident OR if you've been arrested and face 3 years in jail for fighting dogs that would rip out your throat on instinct alone anyway, but thats beside the point. Just call me Jerry Jones because I'll hire anyone to get a couple news articles, it's worth it. Pacman and the girls from betty's would get along great, Chris Henry and Michael Vick would be tossing footballs around the lot pretending they were Peyton and Marvin before a game . . ahh what it would be like to play ball on the Otisville All-Star Team. and Tank? his name is Tank Johnson, he'd pretty much get into trouble if he was playing croquet.

O.J. Simpson ( i really just can't help myself) one sentence. OJ lip syncing a song from inside a Jail Cell wearing Iso-Toners . . . printing my own money.

Anna Nicole (may she rest in peace) now i'm just thinking of the most rediculous celebrities i can ponder, but this would be funny, i'm talking about the Anna Nicole before she took that rediculous diet pill that makes you lose 200 pounds but go completely crazy and turn into a drunk pill-head who doesn't even know what day it is, or just turn into Lindsay Lohan, either one works.

( see looks normal - - - > but completely crazy )

Finally

Tony Romo I think you have to have at least one person who is completely normal, and the reason I selected Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo is because last season when TO would talk to him on the sideline, or he'd be in the lockeroom next to TO & Terry Glenn, you know he had that confused look on his face saying "and I'm hanging otu with these guys? really? i mean really" that look must have been priceless, and the only other way to capture that on film for decades to come would to be place him a room with all these nut jobs lip syncing a song. Plus Troy Aikman had a country album back when he was QB'ing for America's Team . . .This will officially make him the Dallas Cowboys Quarterback who will bring us back from the promise land.

Good Luck Tony . . I just sold my ticket to the shoot for $10 bucks on ebay to a Mr. D. Bledsoe.

Defending Charlie Weiss . . .

I'm not just about to defend Charlie Weiss because everyone and their mother is piling onto the guy, but I'm defending him because there is a much larger issue as to why the "golden

domers" look absolutely terrible, and that's an understatement. Every newspaper, television sports talk show, and radio sports talk show is making this guy out to be the worst coach in college football because his team has gotten blown out in three straight games, and the offensive genious he is supposed to be, the team has yet to score an offensive touchdown, with a true freshman quarterback, but we ignore that. Yes, his offensive line literally gives Jimmy Clausen all of two seconds to get the ball out of his hands, freshman hold onto the ball too long as it is, but
Weiss should have known this before handing him the keys, and I think

he did anticipate this a little. I don't blame him for doing that because with or without Jimmy Clausen, this team would be 0-3, PERIOD. I've come up with the top three reasons for the lack of success from the Irish:

1. They aren't as talented as other programs at skill positions - You know, I've had this conversation once or twice before . . granted I was probably drunk everytime, but the principal exists, I love tradition, I love the fact that he was a super bowl winning coordinator under possibly the best head coach of all time, and I also love the fact that you play in front of the National Audience every week . . . .but when I was 18, I'd much rather sun, skin, & partying . . . South Bend offers pretty girls who are cold for 5 months of the year that I'm at school = turtlenecks & sweaters, and I don't know about you but So Cal and South Beach well, they definately have those values at 18 I'd like in a program. Notre Dame is great if you want to win the Heisman, but ask Brady Quinn how much you get paid when you are a Heisman front runner your entire career then drop into the late portion of the first round in the draft. Notre Dame can recruit, and I'm sure alot of money goes into their recruiting process, but I just don't think it's as elite as the Notre Dame faithful feel it is, they haven't had a legitimate title team in years, the Gators, Trojans, & Buckeyes all have been consistant contenders over the past decade, all have alot more pull in recruiting, and they draw from the same players as the Irish. If your waiting for the Irish to keep firing coaches until they win a title, your going to be waiting as long as the philly fans have been waiting for the sniff of a trophy, count it 25 years, good luck.



2. NBC - When you are the only team in college football with your own network to nationally televise every game you play, they aren't going to pay you millions of dollars to open the season at home against East Layfette University, your going to play big time teams, and your going to play them early and often:

University of Souther California Notre Dame
1. Idaho - rediculous 1. Georgia Tech - Domination
2. Bye - bye after IDAHO? 2. AT Penn State - Rediculous
3. Nebraska - rolled up 3. Michigan - Embarrased
4. Washington State - First Test 4. Michigan St. - First shot to win (week FOUR)

Then after this week they go on the road at Purdue & UCLA . . . .granted UCLA is the jekyl & hyde of college football, still a tough team to play on the road. Southern Cal is by far a better team, and literally might score 100 points on the Irish (as Steven A pointed out) I mean right now If they had started out playing Duke at home, Stanford on the road, and Navy at home, maybe we are talking about a different team, but that TV deal hurts them during seasons like this one.

3. Brady Quinn - the future starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns put up god like numbers for an Irish Quarterback, the first since Rick Mirer. He was a heisman trophy candidate, an extremely hard worker, and was a true competitor, obviously as you lose that field general and have no real quarterback to fill those shoes (THE GUY TRANSFERRED TO NORTHERN ILLINOIS, HE WASN'T THAT GOOD) there is going to be a bit of a let down no matter who steps in, the offense isn't as nsync as they should be at this point, but how good did you anticipate them being? really? You went from having in my mind, the top quarterback in the country to having an untested, young, true freshman quarterback who has just recieved a playbook that is longer than any book he ever read in high school, it'd be like reading Clifford the big red dog your whole life, then someone handing you war & peace . . ITS GOING TO TAKE TIME. Jimmy Clausen is not Brady Quinn, but he does show promise, at least a little bit of promise, he was the TOP quarterback recruit in the world, and Weiss got him, you want quarterbacks, you want field generals, give them time to develop, otherwise your going to have a rotating coaches every three years when you don't win. Just like in high school, without seniors, you dont' win games, thats what this team is going through right now, especially at the QB position.

With that being said, seriously, you can score a touchdown against Michigan State, and I fully expect Notre Dame to be back in the national spotlight with Weiss, at some point over the next ten years, remember he is being paid alot of money for his first head coaching gig. But don't get over excited, because you and I both know you'd rather play for the Gators, and Trojans, over the Irish at least for the time being.

Welcome to 1993 . . .

Turnback the clock b*tches . . .the other night I was watching sportscenter and I'm not sure which pompus ass was the anchor that night but I actually laughed when they pointed out the fact that the Dallas Cowboys, San Francisco 49ers, and Green Bay Packers were all 2-0 . . AND O.J. Simpson is in jail, but where have we seen this before ? ? ? 1993 is the answer.

While all three teams have gotten off to a hot start, they've pretty much been un-tested, so far the guy to your right has not dissappointed, you've got to admire that sort of consistancy, your still in trouble with the law 14 years after you killed someone, oops after you killed two people, a good friend of mine made an excellent point, why would you even leave the house if you got off of a double murder case? Nevermind hang out in a city which goes by the name "sin city." In the hall of fame of absolute idiots, the juice has got to have his own god damn wing by now, right next to Worm in one of my favorite movies, Rounders. Not on the same level, but "you shoulda played those kings Mike" while were on the topic, in the all time classic movie, Blow, George Jung says "I went in with a degree in weed, and left with a doctorate in cocaine" so can I get the over/under on O.J. being Mike Vick's Diego? "i went in with a dog fighting charge, and came out with a doctorate in double murder" but i digress. Anyway, since we know where O.J. is lets discuss, since the nineties, which one of the three franchises San Fran, Dallas, & Green Bay will have the best remainder of this decade:

disclaimer: i'm a hardcore Cowboys fan, but this will be as un-biased as possible.

San Francisco 49ers: All this town has had to cheer about over the last 13 years was Barry Bonds & The Village People reunion, realistically this team is solid, they have a very good ground game anchored by Frank Gore and All-World Offensive Guard, future hall of famer, Larry Allen. The head coach Mike Nolan is a very very good coach, comes from an excellent system, and is among that fraternity of good young coaches like Sean Payton & Norv Turner (again that was a joke, Norv Turner is the anti-poon) The defense is key here, like in all contenders for the NFC Championship (because they have no shot against the AFC, that's a fact) rookie Patrick Willis is my pick for defensive ROY, a linebacker than can run across the whole field and after two weeks looks great (second week in a row up for defensive rookie of the week) the former Miss. St. standout has looked fierce in thus far. Not to mention the outstanding play of free agent pick up Nate Clements, who has been as good as advertised for the San Francisco secondary. Now to the former #1 Pick overall, when the 49ers made this pick I didn't like it, I generally don't like quarterbacks who come out of nowhere and are selected in the top 5, it's always a risky pick, for starters if they were really good why weren't they recruited by one of the big schools, USC, Michigan, Notre Dame, and secondly, if you weren't a Heisman front runner its always sort of a gamble in my opinion. But Alex Smith is their quarterback, and we'll have to live with it. Smith is fairly inconsistant, his passer rating in week one was gross, and last year he threw for as many touchdowns as he did interceptions, then again if you look at the picture to the right, that could be way. (thanks to my friends at drunkathlete.com) it's official, you can make a website out of anything, america's great. I shoudln't throw stones, i looked like that when I came into work this morning, cept i was also rocking the "holy crap how did I get home look" Through last week he has yet to throw an interception, or a touchdown, so that cancels out. Smith has been sacked 7 times which means he's holding onto the ball way to long, if he can stay off the turf, you'll notice the improvement. The bottom line on San Francisco is, they are an injury away from starting Trent Dilfer, he's won a superbowl, granted with one of the 5 defensive teams EVER, don't debate it. But I like him to be this years Jeff Garcia if Smith goes down. Their division sucks, and the next three weeks will be a solid test, @ pittsburgh, then home against seattle & baltimore. P.S. I used to hate the 49ers, but I feel like i'm over that now, I really just hated Steve Young anyway, and still do.

TO THE PACK, Green Bay Packers: loved when they housed the Pats in the Super Bowl (small patriots dig #1) I do feel for Aaron Rodgers because no one is really going to get to see this kid develop, or see if he's actually learned anything playing behind the great Brett Favre for at least another two seasons, including this one. Favre is older now in his 16th season, and for sure a first ballot hall of famer (intersting stat, he's the only AP 3-time MVP) but no longer can he himself take over a team, lucky for him, he doesn't have to, helped out by the refs in week 1 and the fact that Philly sucks, they are off to a great start. And handly beat the terrible Giants during week 2, this week they get the Chargers at Lambeau, if there was ever a statement game, this would be it for them, if they smashed the charges, the FIRENORVTURNER.COM sites would already up, and I'd agree, except I wouldn't have hired him, because he's had no head coaching success AT ALL (second norv turner dig) But their defense can get filthy, after shutting down Mcnabb in week 1, which at this point doesn't look real difficult, and embarrassing the Giats at home, you start to see their teeth sharpen, Linebacker A.J. Hawk in his second full season is going to have a rediculous year, I love this guy, first of all He's an Ohio State linebacker, goes and marries the sister of Brady Quinn, former Notre Dame QB and current backup to pointguard Derek Anderson (that was a joke) You've gotta give props to a guy who goes to a rival school, takes the QB's sister, that's impressive and she's pretty cute . Veteran cornerback Charles Woodson is an excellent addition to this team last year, and will be a leader on that squad. The bottom line on the Packers this year is, when their defense comes to play, all Favre really has to do is manage the game and stay away from bonehead pics that he likes to throw, They should be good enough to win at least 8 games. 2 down.

America's Team: The Dallas Cowboys

Say what you want about their defense . . .but here's what you need to know, Tank Johnson can help them win, when he's there, the Cowboys do lack the interior defensive line to run Wade Phillips defense the correct way, and they are learning an entirely new defensive system, BUT with Terrance Newman back from injury you won't see them get exploited again by Plaxico Burress, that's for sure. For the first time in about 9 years I actually can see their offense playing very well, and not the defense . . Tony Romo looks like he has recovered just fine from his debacle in last year's playoff game, and with Jason Garrett in his ear, hopefully you can see the same things from him, that you saw from Aikman when Garrett was in his ear, as the back up. TO has kept his mouth shut for the most part, and believe it or not The Patriots have had more controversies than he has, that's amazing. I do think they've yet to be challenged and they will be this week when they play Bears on sunday night, you'll find out if their offense is for real, or if they just haven't played a tough defense. I'm not going to praise them, here's the bad things, Roy Williams just looks outmatched in coverages, he can hit, and openfield play with the best of them, but how many times have I seen him play the deep ball soo poorly it costs them six points, Terry Glenn looks like he will be out a while, Unfotunately Wade Phillips is the head coach, and just when they are staying out of the negative headlines, they go and sign Tank Johnson, so when the Pacman gets cut, and ends up on Dallas, were going to be right back to 1993 ala, Nate Newton & Michael Irvin. GREAT . . . . . . Awesome idea Jerry. Tony Romo just got his own ESPN Commercial, which is great, he follows some classic stars to get their own ESPN commercial, The Syracuse Orage got housed by Charlie Steiner, Shaq saves the LSU Tiger out of a Tree . . . Romo is playing a secretary with his QB Wristband . . .sweet, then again if he really is banging Carrie Underwood, then who cares if he throws a million picks . .before i finish i can't help myself, Romo has 6 TD's & a passer rating of 119.3, THANK GOD NO MORE BLEDSOE. I also love the fact that people think they are soft, Its tough to be the underdog and come from behind when people expect you to be the best. . . . god I hope the Patriots lose against the Cowboys, my friends are going to give me so much crap if they get killed (woops thinking outloud) Seriously though, final thought . . . Carrie Underwood is rediculously hot, Tony Romo will be in his 2nd ProBowl, & Dallas will finish at least 10-6 by playing in all of a sudden a crap division.

Decision: Dallas has the least amount of question marks on their team, but I do think that San Francisco is going to be the real surprise, they are very young, and athletic, I like that they went out and spent money on a solid cover corner (no such thing as a shut down corner, besides Deion, I wont' debate this either, because people still throw at Champ Bailey, quarterbacks WOUDLN'T THROW AT DEION, PERIOD , NUFF SAID) Alex Smith hopefully can manage them properly and allow them to win some games.

It's in full blown gambling mode . .

The autumn air is feeling crisp, we are less than a month into the football season, both college and NFL, and my gambling habit is in full blown misery. The 2 factors to come out of this weekend are as follows:

1. Notre Dame is officially THAT team . . every fall there is a team in collegiate or professional football that absolutely blows, you need to make some money back from your early losses, just bet against that team because you know it's a lock no matter what, you know it, they know it, and vegas knows it, by weak ten they'll be getting more points than you can think of. This year's team is the Fighting Irish, the service academies are going to be the only teams they can come close to beating, and that's not even a guarentee. I lose because Wisconsin can't cover against F'n THE CITADEL, but it's ok, i ponyed up and took Michigan at home, and I was actually really confident in Lloyd Carr's ability . . . . . JUST KIDDING, I was actually just really confident that Notre Dame sucks and Oregon was just alot better than f'n Michigan the week before. Has than ever been a team that gets more hype when they win than Notre Dame, that's why i feel fairly okay with piling on them when they lose. At least we know one thing is for sure, this video tape thing doesn't reach much further than "the hoodie" because the Fighting Irish and coach Weiss havent' scored an offensive touchdown in three games, even when Michigan put the second team in they couldn't move the ball, if theyd' been video taping sidelines and learning the signals, you'd at least get lucky once or twice and score. So for all you head coaches, when you lose your offensive coordinator, just get a sony hand held camera for a replacement.

2. Matt Ryan is officially a Heisman Candidate . . .I know I know, before i get the piling on from my friends about how I didn't even go to Boston College, and He plays in the ACC, and how they think I have a man crush on the guy, which i might, Let me tell you a couple statistics:

In two of his three games so far this season, hes had over 30 completions, to go along with his 985 yards passing in three weeks, and 7 touchdown passes. He just got finished whipping Georgia Tech's secondary, Beating his former coach in the head last week, and beating defending ACC Champion Wake Forest in week 1. The next three weeks he has extremely easy games all at home, in which case he will start seriously padding his statistics before he rolls onto Notre Dame (which for all intensive purposes will be a blood bath) then they have a thursday night game in Blacksburg, which will be the ESPN game that will put him right into the spotlight and ready to make the late season run where he really becomes that front running type of candidate. Finishing the season off games against big time programs, Clemson, Florida State, & Miami. you can voice your complaints at mailto:knowyourrolltoolbox@hestherealdeal.

Now to my misery . .the NFL, I'd make a list of thing that drove me crazy yesterday but then i'd probably develop a migrain. So i'll just recap a few of the games that I watched and try to pretend like I wasn't screaming at the television like a complete addict. P.S. you know it's bad when your hoping by some stroke of genious Kyle Boller goes long and throws it when they are trying to kill the clock, just so you can win by ten and a half points. Then again, it is Kyle Boller, its not that far fetched that he'd make a mistake and do that, but it'd probably just picked off anyway.

1. Indy @ Tennessee . . .I love these titans, I'm still not over the fact that I can't watch PacMan Jones actually do the thing that makes him money, but I do get to watch him wrestle so I guess it balances. Indy is nasty, but the Titans are just one of those teams that gives them problems, they are young, athletic, and play with wreckless abandon at all times, Vince Young leads that team in only his second year, and plays alot better than I thought he would coming out of college. Synopsis, everyone who bet on Indy giving all those points, is pissed off, just like I am, but what else could I have thouht? they just embarassed New Orleans, held the best ground game to 77 yards. Any Given Sunday i guess.

2. NYJ @ Baltimore . . .I hate the Jets, I mean passionately I hate the Jets, I hate watching them play, I hate Mangini that hack on the sidelines, I hate Jet Fans, and for anyone who knows me, they finish a close second or third to Colt Brennan and Hawaii as to who I can't stand more in football. The fans are rediculous, my buddy roche said it right, they cheered for a quarterback, they've never seen play, I get it, Howdie Doody is your QB, but do you really have to boo the piss out of the guy the minute he gets hurt, he was actually playing good. But thats what NEW YORK fans do, they are un-intelligent, un-original, and fairweather. They at their all week and clamored for this guy to start at quarterback, HE WAS GOING TO PLAY RAY LEWIS AND THE RAVENS DEFENSE, it takes balls to even call a snap when Ray Lewis is in front of you, remember what TO said "Ray Lewis, double murder case, and I'm the bad guy?" thats what Chad Pennington was saying " Kyle Clemons, and I'm the bad guy?" eventually the guy was going to screw up and throw a pick, and the game would be over . . . . that happened, in the end zone no less, and this time Baltimore wasn't filming the sidelines, so now Mangini can't pawn off another loss, and when they start off 0-6 and everyones sexy pick for the playoffs is shot to hell, i'm going to laugh my ass off. That is why their favorite time of the year is the NFL draft, the only team who loves the draft more is the Portland Trailblazers . . . .small joke.

3. Cincy @ Cleveland . . .I'm not laughing about this, it wasn't funny to me, I didn't get to see Chad Johnson jump into the dog pound, which would have been the highlight of the season if you ask me. Carson Palmer threw for more touchdowns than Jonathan Moxon did in Varsity Blues, and Cleveland actually won a game before the Brady Quinn era starts in Week 10. Not only did Cleveland win the game, they scored 51 points, on the hands of Derek Anderson who went to school at . . . . .EXACTLY MY POINT. Cincy's defense which forced 6 turnovers against Baltimore allowed the 35 year old lineman cor, and ex-con Jamal Lewis to rush for 200 yards, the only thing that would have made it more unbelievable is if The Rock came in and played the second half on a bum leg, which is what he will do inevitably in his next movie. What Kevin Costner is to baseball movies, The Rock is to pathetic football movies which never seem to actually work. This game is the real life version of the "No F'n Way" game which happens in video football at least twice a year to break up your undefeated season.

6 more weeks till the PACMAN is eligible

When I'm wrong, I'm wrong . .

There has never been any question who is the most talented reciever in the NFL, the question is always who is the best reciever in the NFL. The main reason those two titles haven't been unified since Jerry Rice is because somewhere along the line recievers began to think they actually are the ones who determine wether a team wins or loses. Well just ask Randy Moss if he can win games all by himself, and I'm sure he'd say you can't, especially when your just the guy who catches the ball. Newsflash to TO & Chad Johnson, you may be very good at what you do, no one denies that, but your boy Randy just got saved out of exile (I'd rather spend a month in Nuremburg than on the Oakland offense)
I watched the San Diego game yesterday and New England absolutely embarrassed them. Not only did that single game put Norv Turner on the hot seat after only two games, one of which he actually won against the defending NFC Champs, which really just means you beat the eventual Super Bowl Losers. But never has it been more evident that one team can flat prepare themselves better than another team can, than it was last night. Back to the main point, Randy Moss makes this team marginally better than they've probably ever been, I can't think when one of the patriot super bowl champion teams had a reciever who demanded double coverage, let alone complimentary recievers that can actually catch the ball and be go-to options when neccessary. Tom Brady looks like a quarterback who can actually relax now and not be so hyped up, he has more time to throw the ball than OJ is going to have in jail. But I can't inslut the Patriots any longer, it doesn't even make sense to, this doesn't mean i'm not going to make every camera-gate reference that I can, doesn't mean that I woudln't hold up a sign saying "Camera or not, here come the Patriots" it also doesn't mean I condone a 3-time head coach of a super bowl winning team wearing a cut up Hoodie on to the field. But I'm not going to say they are overrated, its a stupid thing to say, because they are as advertised, nasty.